Hmm, it’s almost May. Almost a year that I happened to know (unluckily) this person who changed a lot in me. Well, no more need to stress her out, but within those months that our relationship went off, I felt like being haunted everytime I think of her. I really don’t see the point of myself of being not able to get over her, which gives me enough dismay and suffering. It’s like, yesterday, I tried to open her Tumblr account, and her recent activities. She’s likely active in Tumblr than in Facebook.

I never read anything in her blog thoroughly, but skimming through its contents was enough to almost have my tears fall down that very moment. The heartache was inevitable. Pain, sadness and anxiety made an instantaneous attack on me. That happened within a minute. See how powerful her Haunt is.

I still dream about her. Day and night, specially when I’m idle. I get to remember everything we do, from fun stuff, to those boring stuff, then to those naughty stuff and such. To be honest, I miss them, and yeah, I miss her. But what can I do? I was forcefully ejected out of her life.

Bitterness should have been the main reason of those recurring Haunts. I wouldn’t have cared at all, neither making the effort to have them shared to somebody else. It’s that bitterness that makes me want to do revenge. However, nights before I had a dream. It was about me doing revenge to her. Everything was perfect, the planning, the evidence, the execution. I dreamed of it like, it was me who was the perpetrator of her scandal, and steadfastly I destroyed her image to her fans, friends, and to her family. I saw her crying on my dream. Then the next event that I could remember was her crying loudly in front of me, then she ended her life with her own hands. I then escaped my dream subconsciously and got awake. My tears were falling.

I never, ever, wanted anything like that to happen to her. I decided to leave all of my evil plot against her behind. For the sweetest revenge is forgiveness. However, forgiving isn’t the same to forgetting. It’s my heart that aches the most when her Haunt starts to devour me.

I really don’t know how to end her Haunt. I’ve been in and out of relationships, but still it’s still present. It never gets removed out of my system. It’s like a Haunt for Forever.

If this continues, or gets worse, I could develop a Bipolar Personality Disorder. I really should avoid having that.

And for you, if you read everything, thank you. Drop by a comment. I wanna hear you out… which I think is almost impossible.

Not only bitterness but, it’s the thought of you living a normal, happy, contented life without me which hurts my heart the most.

“Na-Hack Mo Ang Puso Ko” is nearing it’s first anniversary since my conception of it. I consider Chapters 1 to 13 as my Book 1. My Book 2 would be 14 upto the ending. I really don’t know as to when I could finish it, but I assure everybody that I’m just gathering up all my needed inspirations and then finish the story. Can’t wait for it to be hard-bound published.

I just focused myself on finishing my assignment for the next subject. It was finished ahead of checking, luckily. When I went down the Accreditation office for a moment, I was surprised and glad to see my professor already attending office that day. He looks good and well, and there was like no sign of whatsoever happened to him. He gave my friend presents, most notably those horror DVD titles. My class ended, I went down again to the office, did some chores, got myself some sleep.

I was preparing myself to come home already for my stomach isn’t in a stable state. However sir asked us to fetch a copy of a Teaching Assignment from the nearby College of Technology. In the Chairperson’s Office I saw my professor in Assembly Language. I was glad when he recognized me when I greeted him for the afternoon. After successfully obtaining a copy of the T.A., me and my friend parted ways for he returned to the office and I went straight home.

I arrived around near evening. Did my things, ate fried chicken, and had a little argument with my dad about where I place my mug of water. I place it near the telephone for me to easily reach for it while I was lazily eating in front of the computer. I think he was kinda pissed off, and so do I. I just let it pass because I really don’t like to argue non-sensibly.

The night has fallen, and it was not just me but everybody else were complaining about the low temperature. I just played my new favorite game over Facebook, Cityville. I was inviting my guildmates to come over and play.

All through the night, I was shivering of cold. Take it literally and figuratively. Luckily, she asked if I were to stay up, I felt an inch of flame that help me survive this cold blaze. She slept ahead of me.

One day the boy left the door to the cage open. The larger and stronger of the two birds flew from the cage. The boy watched anxiously as it circled high above him. He was so frightened that it would fly away and he would never see it again that as it flew close, he grasped at the bird wildly. He caught the bird in his fist. He clutched it tightly within his hand. His heart gladened at his sucess in capturing the bird. Suddenly he felt the bird go limp. He opened his hand stared in horror at the dead bird. His desperate clutching love had killed the bird.

The boy also noticed the other bird teetering on the edge of the cage. He could feel its great need for freedom. Its need to soar into the clear, blue sky. He lifted the bird from the cage and tossed it softly into the air. The bird circled once, twice, three times. The boy watched delighted at the bird’s enjoyment. His heart was no longer concerned with his loss. He wanted the bird to be happy. Suddenly the bird flew closer and landed softly on his shoulder. It sang the sweetest melody, he had ever heard.

—-

Reading this made me think. The fastest way to lose love is to hold on too tight. The best way to keep love is to give it wings to soar the height.

Good morning everybody.

The semester has ended. So do all my temporary insecurities in life. I started well and ended up badly. Pretty badly. I’m clinging on the sole existence of retribution for my grades, and start to worship the number “3″.

It rooted from my dependency over you towards my studies. My brain capacity was somehow linked to my emotions as of those moments. I was happy with you, and I get motivated to learn further, and hence does my grades rose up. But, like a jewel separated from its ring, when you left I got unmotivated. My grades sharply fell and I went to school timidly, daydreaming often to escape what my heart is aching from.

This next semester, I have to quickly come up with a pushing force for me to continue my studies. Another driving force of my life. They say, don’t commit the same mistakes twice. But I already did it plenty of times. I got the trend, why should I change?

Living for someone is now the motto of my life. I do what they please and what makes them happy. I’m almost synonymous to a slave. But I do it wholeheartedly. That’s far better than living for only yourself and yourself only. If you can’t set up your reasons and motivations in life, let somebody else do it for you. Maybe, only maybe, at the end of the day you too will like the results.

—-

I seem to get rattled by expectations for the past few days. But for God’s sake I could quickly cover them up. But of course, I should try to improve myself and make myself less of a burden.

And yeah, the rain fell. The wind blew hard. It was chilly cold and made me shiver. I can’t help but remember those times I needed someone to hug me, you were there. I returned the favor to you. I gave you your much needed company. I helped you. But it all ended helplessly. My biggest mistake was I never left you, even if you wanted me to.

Bitterness drooled up on me and screwed my heart. Yeah, mixed-up emotions aren’t good to anyone. They override the creative side of your brain much.

“salamat sa pag-aalaga mo sa kanya…”

I hate those words, but they were true. I’m no different to “contractual workers” and such. It made me look like a caretaker.

But as much as I don’t like it, this bitterness and guilt of mine should end. I should move on now and quit straying too much. I should treasure the moments we had and the memories we shared. I really really want to be still a loyal friend to you.

Surprisingly, my tears would have fallen, but as the cold wind flew around me, they seemed like mildews that freeze in the morning. They never fall.

Another cold breeze passed and made me shiver. I only have to pat my heart and fool it with “All is well” phrase several times and I start to get fine. I swear, there’ll come a time when someone else would pat my heart and tell it “Forever is well, with me…”

I mean it. I didn’t do anything to you (or maybe I did) but I have to tell you that I am very sorry for everything.

I’m sorry that I entered your simple life and made it complicated. I know from the very start that you were in love with someone else already, but I took the gamble and ventured more into your life.

I’m sorry that you let me be closer to you. I’m so sorry that I made you open up yourself. I saw your true self, away from that ever smiling individual everybody used to see. I was made known of your truancies in life. It became clear to me that someone your dear the most purposively left you. And I’m so sorry that I tried to take the empty place.

I’m sorry that I enjoyed myself with you too much. I’m sorry that I had to go home with you every night. I didn’t take advantage of the fare treat, what I wanted was to see you at the end of the day. I’m sorry that I let you grasp my hand whilst in the middle of the traffic. I feared that I might lose you. But eventually my fear would materialize, though.

I’m very sorry of those sleepless nights with you. Those wonderful times that we became one. Sorry for those romantic nights, lit by an ample light, we took each other to the heavens. Your hugs, your kisses, and your touches made me feel that I’m a human being capable of being in love this madly. I’m sorry that you had to do those things with me, because I’m not worthy of your love…

…or at least I am.

I wrote that story because of you. I became happy for the past few months because of you. It became clear that you were already a vital part of my personality. But with you gone, it’s like I got blown by the wind.

You never had the chance to say the words “I love you.” Maybe because you really didn’t. But I know you did love me, because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t let me take a peek of your soul. You are just a one big ugly coward, whom I loved so much.

I have to move on, even if it is difficult. Life will knock us down but its our choice whether to stand up or not.

Yes, I am mad with you. That’s normal. But eventually I’ll get over this, even if it’s as painful as getting a heart surgery.

Thank you for everything, I loved you so much. Thanks for making me laugh, love, and cry.

According to news, he did the hostage drama because he wants to get his position back.

He is armed and purposively knows how to operate them because he back then was a dismissed police officer.

Hours later, there were reports that some hostages were freed, another escaped, and some shot to death. Worst came to worst, his brother appeared and added complexity to the already complex situation.

When Mendoza’s brother was arrested, he became infuriated and dealt warning shots. He wanted his brother to be freed.

The drama became worse, and they had to infiltrate the bus. During the assault, snipers had shot Mendoza, killing him instantly. 9 were dead including Mendoza, and 9 were injured by bullets.

His primary cause of this action is because of his dismissal from his authority as a Senior Inspector at the Philippine National Police. He was nearing the age for retirement. Worse is that with his dismissal, he was then stripped off of his retirement benefits, something that he should be angered of. He said that he was dismissed without the chance to properly defend himself on court.

But I guess what he did tarnished his reputation as a Senior Inspector, or even as a police as a whole. The police should care about the welfare of their country’s residents, and not to put their lives at danger.

The Hong Kong government issued a ‘black’ travel alert to the Philippines. Many condemned this, but I find it a normal decision, since the HK government just wants to protect its citizens.

Mendoza could have done something within the law in order to reprise his dignity. But what he just did made it worse. Not only for him but for the whole country.

Days later, I heard over the radio that Sen. Jinggoy Estrada’s passport was thrown to him by the Hong Kong official in his personal travel to the country. However he did not make the scenario worse, he let it pass because he understood the remorse of their country.

If ever Mendoza just forgot about his dismissal from authority and moved on forward with his life, this crisis would have never happened.

It’s easy to say but difficult to do. Why? We tend to attach ourselves with what we love. When that thing gets totally removed from our lives without a proper discourse, we tend to lose our sanity.

There are different degrees to this, some just cry over spilled milk, some just draw the lines, and some just turns justice into crime.

When we come to this point, we should have our senses cleared. Think not only twice, thrice, but many times. Weigh things that come to our mind as viable options. Sieve it carefully and throw away all options that would end you up hanging by a thread to a more dangerous situation.

All we need is patience. Don’t rush things. Eventually, with our efforts, we will succeed.

The whole week of preparations was very excruciatingly exhaustive. I was in charge of the IT presentations about my professor’s profile. Doing the videos were kind of difficult for me again because I haven’t done it for years already. And the scarcity of the source material and delayed dubbing schedules added to my heavy load. I spent sleepless nights just to finish the video. Eventually, I was able to finish it 3 hours before the program proper. How was that for a rush? Hehe.

We arrived at the Manila Pavilion hotel from school. We wore coat and necktie for the event. I kinda looked cool with my blown hair and nice outfit. But the drawback was that I wasn’t feeling good wearing it (or just I’m not used to wearing those kind of clothes).

We had a hard time entering the venue. To get to Alegria we had to pass through the Casino. However only ages 21 and above were allowed. Most of us back then were just 18 above. After we had our luggages checked, the manager assisted us to the venue.

It was a nice ballroom, tables were laid out and as soon as we arrived we started staging up and prepared the necessary things for the event like attaching the banner and setting up the laptops and projector for the IT presentations. I stationed at the back of the ballroom, inside the sound booth. I assisted the tech team for the music going to be used in the program.

It started well. Guests and everyone except us had their dinner. We were still busy doing the playing of the audio tracks for the singers.

A number of personalities were in the event, but I was so lousy that I couldn’t remember who were they. Hahaha!

Generally I liked the whole event, especially the Fellowship. They had their ballroom dance. I enjoyed sipping my drink and watched them dance to the rhythm. We finished the event at almost 1:30AM.

We took the elevator to the 21st floor. The Suite was large (even larger than our home) and was nice. I had a few chit-chats with my fellow classmates and I found a corner and fell asleep. I woke up about 9AM.

After breakfast we had a nice talk with our Youth Manager Pablo Mangahas. He was also a gamer like me. He started the discussion by mentioning the animes I once watched (Naruto, One Piece) and the discussion started flowing. He was just 32, a fat and happy guy who is addicted to FB much and plays DotA. My classmate then mentioned that I was proficient in playing O2Jam, and the laptop had O2Jam Offline installed. I couldn’t resist showing off so I hurriedly placed myself and plugged in the USB keyboard and mashed the way through Canon Rock. I finished it with 2 early misses and 4000+ combo. However after the final mash I sprained my ring finger. Haha.

After the event I went home, I started to feel a little bit drowsy. I had an examination later but I requested that I take it at another day. I was lucky that my professor allowed me to.

I slept much and recouped my strength. I would go online all night long. It’s raining by the way. The sound of the raindrops that hit the rooftop sounded nice on my ears, but I don’t know why.

Maybe I have been thinking too much lately about someone I really like. No. It should be “…someone I really love.”

It’s already been 2 months since we had this started. This kind of thing is really REALLY difficult. I am loving somebody who has someone else already. I am left waiting.

You know it’s love when it changes you. From being melancholic, I started to embrance the happy life. It was evident according to my classmates. I like to have fun all along. But I equal it with responsibilities that pressure me to stay on track of my college life (but I still fail at the latter, hehe).

I always tell her that I would wait for her. I’ll never leave her. But words are just words. The good thing with me is that I never fail to do them.

I am here, waiting. Even if it starts to kill me, I am just here, waiting. That’s how strong my affection for you is. The entire world could leave you but expect me to be stuck with you.

It’s 4:52AM and I had just woken up. I’m not yet in the mood to be in front of the PC but I had to. However this whole damn thing just gets me annoyed better.

My friend felt sulky towards me after I failed to meet him. It’s been days that he does ignore me. Of course it hurts, given that we already had good terms with each other.

The reason was kinda absurd but that’s the truth from me. But he doesn’t like it, as far as I can see.

But of course, time would heal itself. Eventually he’ll forgive me.

I really don’t like the feeling of someone or anyone feeling sullen for me. As much as possible I want every single person around me is pleased. However that is way too impossible.

Friends, true friends, are treasures that has to be taken good care of. They are like precious gems that lose their shine when left out in the open.

By the way, my vacation is nearing to an end. I am already failing to update my fanstory. Basically because of my recent addiction to osu! It is a rhythm game similar to Elite Beat Agents. It was him who introduced me to this game.

Happy birthday also to Ernest’s father, more birthdays to come! Ernest and his siblings would dance later for their papa. How nice.

I’ll browse out things just to get entertained and hopefully come back to sleep.

I won’t be tired of staring at you, from morning ’till dawn, from the start of my dreams to the time I wake up, from YM to Facebook, from your cheeks to your rosy lips. I’ll admit it, I’m so into you~”

A lot of things popped out in and out of my mind for the past few days. Of course, school matters, busy schedules, that very irritating lag on Armenes server. But well, they managed to mask my real problem: that I am in-love with someone, who has someone already.

I won’t go into details, but as it seems to be, I really started to find her very cute. Yeah. Not only the looks but also her expressions and ways on how to show happiness. She really lights up my day. Her mere presence moves my heart further up the “Happy” meter. And I think she likes me too but uhm, the sad point in here is that, she already have a relationship.

I really, REALLY have to stop myself for sometime. It’s way too hard and way too difficult to stop your heart from getting deeper into trouble. I don’t want to ruin a great relationship, but heck, what can I do if I already fell in love with her?

Well that’s up for me solve. No one can help me but myself.

Moving on, I had a great time yesterday (Monday) because my professor already announced our status at his subject Physics 2. For God’s grace I got a passing grade already even if the Final examinations isn’t out yet. I have to focus on reviewing until this Friday. Then I’m good for a short (2 weeks) vacation. Me and my computer. Paradise.

And with the Community Immersion Project, I’m kind of nervous, we are not that prepared, even me. But I know everything would be okay in the end.

Chapters 10 and 11 would be out later.

That story that my mom (veniara) wrote, it is good and catchy, however I got kinda dizzy at the same time confused because of the names way too familiar with me (no sarcasm here). I got jealous? Hahaha. Perhaps, yes.

A big day in front of me, goodluck!

So I started the day with another cup of coffee, headed to my Physics class, and BOOM! A questionnaire and solution sheets were hurled towards me. A quiz. The most perfect way to start a Wednesday morning.

The exam was generally easy. I can easily answer those multiple choice type of questions. However, as usual, those problem solving type of questions required a lot of brain-strangling procedures. Nevertheless, group effort made things easy.

I had to jot down the 4th Chapter of my fanstory on a piece of yellow paper. It was a good one, I want to upload it already on the forum thread. It took me about an hour to complete it (with formatting). However, my classmate rushed to my location. Our classroom is at the 6th floor of the main PUP building. I was at the first floor, renting a PC. He said to me that it was nearly our turn to report. I was shocked to hear that; I was expecting for our laboratory professor not to arrive.

Well, we incomplete list of materials which made our labor somewhat difficult to go by. We were unprepared, but the show must go on.

We had a rush on our papers, a rush on the apparatus, a rush on the notes, a rush on the computations. It turned out to be horrible. But at least we made it through. I don’t know if it is just me but I smell something fishy with my professor. She’s been acting weird. Normally she would have already yelled upon us. But no she even raised her voice a single decibel.

The elevator has always been fun. We used the elevator from the fifth floor. A lot of people came in, and it was nearly full. The lights were turned off. When we were inside, my classmate Sharie just flared out her flashlight and sang that “TUGS TUGS TUGS” in the elevator.

When the door opened at the fourth floor, a faculty personnel stared at us. She then yelled, “Aba walang matanda, LABAS! (Aah there’s no elderly here, GET OUT!)” Sharie, Rea, Matthew and I immediately rushed out from the elevator, bowing our heads down as we took the stairs with shame. I almost outbalanced myself. Good thing there was a wall and the friction.

We then headed inside the Admission and Registration Office. We were to give our Application for Change in Enrollment forms inside. However, that damn chairperson for College of Engineering in the ARO just wouldn’t accept it, even though it was him who said that we return to a later date to submit it. I just don’t get his senses. Its only him that I really don’t get well along around the school. If I have the power I want him to be replaced.

Well, then yeah, as I got home, as usual somewhat tired, I hurried into finishing my second installment of the day for the fanstory. I had it released by 8PM. There were many positive feedbacks. They got me inspired into improving my writing.

And now I am waiting for my friend CJ to be online a few hours from now. I wanna collaborate with him for the fanstory.

Good evening everyone.