The Path of Penance

When The Haunt Becomes Forever

April 27, 2011 at 1:33 am (Everyday Life)

Been busy for the whole month because of my On-the-Job Training. While doing my OJT, I also take a summer subject on Geometry. Luckily, both my class and my OJT are situated inside the main campus, which gives me flexibility over my schedule. But no matter how flexible my schedule is, I really find it hard to do things that I could do before, like getting myself pampered somewhere, be with someone, go out on a date, watch a movie, etc. Good thing I get access to the internet at the office the whole time, I never get myself bored.

Hmm, it’s almost May. Almost a year that I happened to know (unluckily) this person who changed a lot in me. Well, no more need to stress her out, but within those months that our relationship went off, I felt like being haunted everytime I think of her. I really don’t see the point of myself of being not able to get over her, which gives me enough dismay and suffering. It’s like, yesterday, I tried to open her Tumblr account, and her recent activities. She’s likely active in Tumblr than in Facebook.

I never read anything in her blog thoroughly, but skimming through its contents was enough to almost have my tears fall down that very moment. The heartache was inevitable. Pain, sadness and anxiety made an instantaneous attack on me. That happened within a minute. See how powerful her Haunt is.

I still dream about her. Day and night, specially when I’m idle. I get to remember everything we do, from fun stuff, to those boring stuff, then to those naughty stuff and such. To be honest, I miss them, and yeah, I miss her. But what can I do? I was forcefully ejected out of her life.

Bitterness should have been the main reason of those recurring Haunts. I wouldn’t have cared at all, neither making the effort to have them shared to somebody else. It’s that bitterness that makes me want to do revenge. However, nights before I had a dream. It was about me doing revenge to her. Everything was perfect, the planning, the evidence, the execution. I dreamed of it like, it was me who was the perpetrator of her scandal, and steadfastly I destroyed her image to her fans, friends, and to her family. I saw her crying on my dream. Then the next event that I could remember was her crying loudly in front of me, then she ended her life with her own hands. I then escaped my dream subconsciously and got awake. My tears were falling.

I never, ever, wanted anything like that to happen to her. I decided to leave all of my evil plot against her behind. For the sweetest revenge is forgiveness. However, forgiving isn’t the same to forgetting. It’s my heart that aches the most when her Haunt starts to devour me.

I really don’t know how to end her Haunt. I’ve been in and out of relationships, but still it’s still present. It never gets removed out of my system. It’s like a Haunt for Forever.

If this continues, or gets worse, I could develop a Bipolar Personality Disorder. I really should avoid having that.

And for you, if you read everything, thank you. Drop by a comment. I wanna hear you out… which I think is almost impossible.

Not only bitterness but, it’s the thought of you living a normal, happy, contented life without me which hurts my heart the most.

“Na-Hack Mo Ang Puso Ko” is nearing it’s first anniversary since my conception of it. I consider Chapters 1 to 13 as my Book 1. My Book 2 would be 14 upto the ending. I really don’t know as to when I could finish it, but I assure everybody that I’m just gathering up all my needed inspirations and then finish the story. Can’t wait for it to be hard-bound published.