And the Mildew Freezes
It has been a long time since I last posted. But I think it isn’t much of an issue since my blog is almost non-existent to others. But of course, I always like to boast out myself and say what I want to say. They give this blog its much needed path. A journey to penance I take.
The semester has ended. So do all my temporary insecurities in life. I started well and ended up badly. Pretty badly. I’m clinging on the sole existence of retribution for my grades, and start to worship the number “3″.
It rooted from my dependency over you towards my studies. My brain capacity was somehow linked to my emotions as of those moments. I was happy with you, and I get motivated to learn further, and hence does my grades rose up. But, like a jewel separated from its ring, when you left I got unmotivated. My grades sharply fell and I went to school timidly, daydreaming often to escape what my heart is aching from.
This next semester, I have to quickly come up with a pushing force for me to continue my studies. Another driving force of my life. They say, don’t commit the same mistakes twice. But I already did it plenty of times. I got the trend, why should I change?
Living for someone is now the motto of my life. I do what they please and what makes them happy. I’m almost synonymous to a slave. But I do it wholeheartedly. That’s far better than living for only yourself and yourself only. If you can’t set up your reasons and motivations in life, let somebody else do it for you. Maybe, only maybe, at the end of the day you too will like the results.
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I seem to get rattled by expectations for the past few days. But for God’s sake I could quickly cover them up. But of course, I should try to improve myself and make myself less of a burden.
And yeah, the rain fell. The wind blew hard. It was chilly cold and made me shiver. I can’t help but remember those times I needed someone to hug me, you were there. I returned the favor to you. I gave you your much needed company. I helped you. But it all ended helplessly. My biggest mistake was I never left you, even if you wanted me to.
Bitterness drooled up on me and screwed my heart. Yeah, mixed-up emotions aren’t good to anyone. They override the creative side of your brain much.
“salamat sa pag-aalaga mo sa kanya…”
I hate those words, but they were true. I’m no different to “contractual workers” and such. It made me look like a caretaker.
But as much as I don’t like it, this bitterness and guilt of mine should end. I should move on now and quit straying too much. I should treasure the moments we had and the memories we shared. I really really want to be still a loyal friend to you.
Surprisingly, my tears would have fallen, but as the cold wind flew around me, they seemed like mildews that freeze in the morning. They never fall.
Another cold breeze passed and made me shiver. I only have to pat my heart and fool it with “All is well” phrase several times and I start to get fine. I swear, there’ll come a time when someone else would pat my heart and tell it “Forever is well, with me…”
